Josh Bauer's First Therapy Session
by AB24
Summary: After reaching adulthood, Josh decides to seek help with his family issues. I warn thee, this is my first parody fic.


"Why, yes, his appointment is scheduled today - he's actually 5 minutes late. Yes, I read the file you sent me," Dr. Patty Jones sighed into the phone as she looked over the papers strewn about her desk. "Honestly, I don't know if I believe half of the things in th-"

The door burst open suddenly and the subject of her phone call came walking through, smoothing out his rumpled sweater with one hand while doing the same to his hair with the other. "Sorry I'm late, Doctor, I got...held up."

Dr. Jones quickly hung up the phone and rose to her feet. "No problem, I'm running late today myself," she smiled, approaching her client with an outstretched hand. "Mr. Bauer, I-"

"Josh," he quickly corrected, shaking her hand. "And I _would_ have been on time if a group of Russian/Chinese/Unspecified Middle Eastern dudes hadn't ambushed my car and briefly taken me hostage."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Wh-...are you alright?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. They were throwing me into the back of their van when I heard one of them grumble something about '_KIMBERLY, not HIMBERLY'_, at which point they all sighed and let me go."

"Himberly?"

"Yeah," Josh shrugged, "apparently I bear a some kind of striking resemblance to my female cousin, but personally, I don't see it. But it's a pain in the ass to deal with. I mean, just the other day, some guy named Miguel came rolling up to me in a wheelchair and started blaming ME for the loss of his leg. I never met the guy in _my life_. Plus, I got this dude Chase following me around everywhere trying to make out with me, and I'm like, 'DUDE! What the hell?!?!'. Weirdest of all, he keeps calling me 'darlin'. When on the show did he _ever_ call Kim 'darlin'?"

"...Um," the doctor choked out after a confused silence, "take a seat, okay, Josh?"

He nodded and followed her across the room, settling into a leather chair while she sat in an opposing chair. "So, Josh," she sighed, looking through the file in her hands, "why don't you tell me what made you decide to seek therapy?"

"Well, I've been told that I need therapy by literally every person I meet for the last seven years. Finally my girlfriend convinced me to actually go."

"And what was her reasoning?"

"She says I have trust issues," Josh shrugged.

"Okay...well, let's start with your family. It says here that your father died when you were fifteen years old?" she said, looking up from the file to her client.

"Yeah, that's right," he muttered. "My evil grandpa killed him and made it look like my uncle did it. Screwed up, is it not?"

She paused and glanced back down to the file. "It also says here...and I've never seen this kind of terminology in a patient file before...that your grandfather was an 'evil mastermind'?"

"Yeah, but my dad was, too - not that anyone gives him credit for it. I mean, give the guy some credit, he was pretty damn evil, too. Then again, who _wouldn't_ be driven to evilness after living in the same house as my mother for 20 years."

_Oh boy, this is going to be a long one,_ Dr. Jones thought to herself as she offered a tight smile. "So tell me about your family."

"Well, everything was fine, at least for me, until my evil mastermind grandpa killed my evil mastermind father. Then it all went to hell in a handbasket. I was in this weird government agency when I found out, and of course I'm devastated - I mean, I thought my dad rocked up until I found out he was evil. So I'm curled up in some random corner crying when I glance up and see my mom LITERALLY throwing herself at my Uncle Jack. Who she still thought TORTURED my father to death. My dad wasn't even COLD yet. Are you getting how supremely traumatizing this was for me? _Are you getting it??_" he demanded, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

_Geez, his file wasn't kidding when it said "emo"._ The doctor handed Josh a tissue and watched him blow his nose before waiting for him to speak again.

"Anyway," he sniffed, "then EG took me hostage, and-"

"EG?"

"Evil Grandpa," Josh nodded. "He took me hostage and threatened to kill me if my mom didn't do something for him. I don't remember what she was supposed to do - things tend to get fuzzy when your kindly old grandpa is holding a gun to your head and casually mentioning that _he_, not your uncle,killed your father two hours ago. And all this time I thought my grandpa was just the quiet farmer from _Babe_. Anyway," he continued, ignoring the growing confusion on the doctor's face, "Uncle Jack saved me, and we thought everything was over. And it probably would have been had my mom not decided to go back to CTU to stalk my uncle some more. She's got, like, a shrine to him in her bedroom. I'm serious. I hear chants late at night. And she's got these random voodoo dolls labeled 'Audrey' and 'Chloe' that she stabs daily while laughing maniacally."

_I knew I should have called in sick today. _Dr. Jones shifted uncomfortably. "You say this is your _first_ therapy session?" Josh nodded. "Alright. Continue."

"So anyway, EG disappears for awhile, and we hung out at CTU for the rest of the day, for reasons I'm still not entirely sure of. Oh, by the way, did I mention that the bomb in Valencia went off that day AND EG and EF were both partly to blame? Well, they were. Anyway, EG ended up sending these Chinese dudes into CTU to kidnap me. I went crawling through random air ducts aimlessly, trying to get away, but then they threatened to kill my mom if I didn't come out. After carefully and thoroughly weighing my options, I came out."

Dr. Jones blinked.

"So then there's this big to-do, and let me just cut to the chase: I shoot EG, and Unce Jack saves the world again. And you know, they call me "emo", but at least I didn't go all Behrooz afterwards and start shouting, 'I KILLED FATHER! I DID, I KILLED FATHER!' like some twit."

_Behrooz...how does Josh know about my patient who comes in three times a week to wail about Debbie?. _Dr. Jones cleared her throat.

"Anyway, I _didn't _kill him. In fact, I don't think he really died in the explosion afterwards. Why do I think that? Two words: contract negotiations."

Dr. Jones took out a pen and scribbled down a note. _Thinks life is a TV show. _She then turned her head and glanced at the curtains adorning the window across the room. She took out her pen again. _Curtains would make satisfactory noose._ She then looked up and realized that Josh had suddenly broke into tears and was now sobbing.

"What's the matter?" she asked in slight horror, handing him the entire box of tissues.

"Nothing," he sniffled, bunching up three tissues and burying his face in them. "I just do this sometimes. I think my doctor diagnosed it as emoitis."

At that moment the door flew open and Chase Edmunds came storming inside, a rose clamped between his teeth. Josh looked up and immediately turned his head and groaned as Chase exclaimed, "DRRRLIN!!!" before spitting out the rose and repeating more audibly, "DARLIN'!!! There you are, my darlin'! Why do you keep running away from me? Forget about Barry, run away with me! I promise I'll never do field work again! We'll get a house in the country and have lots of kids and animals and cows and pigs and horses and.."

"Dammit, you freak, are you BLIND??" Josh demanded, standing up and facing the man. "I am a DUDE. A _DUDE_. I am _NOT _Kim. What will it take for you to BELIEVE me?"

"Oh, darlin'," Chase murmured, stepping forward and reaching for Josh's face.

"Oh my GOD, if you EVER even TRY to touch me AGAIN," Josh exclaimed, jumping back and holding up his hands defensively.

"But darlin'..."

"I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING DARLIN'!!!!!!!!!" Josh screamed with his eyes squeezed shut. When he opened them he found Chase lying at his feet, unconscious, with Dr. Jones standing over him with a taser in her hand. She then straightened her jacket and sat back down, setting the taser down on the armrest and clearing her throat. "Where were we?"

"Is he..."

"He's fine," she quickly assured him. "Please, continue."

Reluctantly, Josh stepped over the body and returned to his chair, glancing nervously at it every few seconds as the doctor spoke again. "Now, was your family life always this chaotic before these events?:

"No, not so much...well, except for, like, the big family dinners."

"And what were those like?"

"Well," Josh sighed, "I remember this one Thanksgiving dinner we had were my father baked a pumpkin pie, which was usually something my mom would do, and he put this weird spice in it that none of us could tell what it was. Uncle Jack presses him on it, but my dad will _not_ tell him what it is. So Uncle Jack takes the carving knife out of the turkey and slams my dad on the table, threatening to cut both of his eyes out - _slowly _- if he doesn't tell him WHO he's working for and WHAT spice it is and WHO sold it to him, otherwise 'hundreds of thousand of billions of kajillions of people will die'. It turned out to be Allspice." Josh paused, then shrugged. "Anyway, afterwards, my mom tried to 'calm down' Uncle Jack by offering him a piece of the pie, which she then put a bunch of whipped cream on in this really weirdly 'seductive' way, not that he noticed. As he's eating the pie, he gets a smidge of the whipped cream on the corner of his mouth, at which point my mother proceeded to propel herself across the table and LICK it off of him. Then everything goes insane and my dad attacks Uncle Jack, Aunt Teri attacks my mom, Kim starts squealing and crying, and my grandpa finally puts a gun to my head and announces that Himberly gets a bullet in his brain if everyone doesn't sit down and shut up." Josh then took a sip of water.

"Did they?"

"Oh yeah .The rest of the dinner was really awkward, though. But you should have seen our _Christmases_." He then widened his eyes at the memory, then closed them as his lip started to quiver. "All I ever wanted was a NORMAL and loving...well, mostly just normal...family - what did I ever do to deserve all of this???"

"You didn't do anything to deserve it," she said soothingly as he raided the tissue box again. "It sounds to me as if your family had many deep-seated issues long before you came into it."

"I just want to be normal," Josh sobbed, "Why can't I just be NORMAL??" At this, Chase awoke and had his arms around Josh within minutes.

"Oh, my sweet darlin, you ARE nor-" he managed to get out before crumpling back to the floor, again as Dr. Jones stood over him with her taser in hand.

"Hey, do you mind if I keep that thing?" Josh asked, gesturing toward Chase. Dr. Jones nodded and handed him the device. "Cool," Josh marveled as he held it in his hands and looked it over. "I have an urge to use this device for evil world domination purposes, and another urge to use it to save the lives of innocent people from the hands of terrorists. It's similar to when I see an old lady crossing the street. A part of me wants nothing more than to push her into oncoming traffic, but another part of me wants to take her hand and guide her to safety, earning the admiring stares of my peers. It's a daily struggle."

The doctor's eyes widened slightly. "Which side usually wins out?"

He shrugged. "I usually flip a coin."

_I'm scared._ "Okay," she smiled. "Let's talk about your life now. How are things turning out for you?"

"Fine, I guess. I mean, I haven't been taken hostage much lately...except for that incident today, but that doesn't really count. I'm in a serious relationship with a nice girl." He paused and seemed to consider his choice of words, then shrugged. "Personally, I don't think I have trust issues, but she says that I do."

"And what makes her say that?"

"I once found bomb making material in her apartment. And the president's classified schedule. Ar first I thought she might be planning something, but she was all, 'Oh Joshy, you've got to learn to _trust _me, otherwise this relationship will never work,' blah blah blah, and I'm all, 'Yeah, but Mandy, what do you need those things for?' and then she's all..."

A knock on the door startled them both. Dr. Jones rose and walked slowly to the door, looking back to make sure Chase's limp body was out of sight. "Yes," she smiled as she opened the door.

"Uh...hi," a man wearing a UPS uniform replied, "I've got a package for one of your patients? A Himberly?"

Dr. Jones paused and sighed before turning and calling, "It's for you, Josh."

When Josh came to the door, the UPS man took one look at him and immediately went pale. "KIM? Oh my God...you...you cut your hair," he said, making a face. "And you're considerably less hot than I remember. In fact, you kind of...look like a...like a _dude_."

"That's because I AM a dude, you idiot," Josh snapped, signing the form in the man's hand. "Kim is my _cousin_ - and who are _you_, anyway?"

The man then slightly puffed out his chest and turned his eyes to the ceiling as he announced in a melodramatic tone, "The man who saved her life and showed her what it's like to truly love...and to _be_ loved."

Josh and Dr. Jones stared at him as if he had three heads.

"I'm Rick," he sighed.

At that, Chase sprung from the floor and went hurtling towards the door. "RICK YOU SON OF A BITCH LOSER KIM-NAPPER _LOSER_" he screamed as Rick's eyes went wide, dropping the package and running out of the waiting room into the hallway as Chase followed from behind.

"Well, that took care of _them_," Dr. Jones said triumphantly as she closed the door. Josh picked up the package and walked back to his chair, sitting down and going to work trying to open it.

His eyes narrowed in confusion at the note he found inside. "It says it's from Mandy, with pure soulless hatred." He dug deeper and pulled out a shotgun, with a large red bow tied around the barrel.

Immediately the door broke from its hinges and a SWAT team burst inside of the room, headed by a blonde haired man who pointed his gun erratically in every direction with his eyes clamped shut. "Drop your weapon and put your hands on your head!"

Josh squealed and did as he was told before two agents took him by force and pushed him flat on the ground as they cuffed his hands behind his back.

"Buchanan, this is Doyle," the blond man called as he lowered his rifle. "We have the assassin in custody."

"Do you have an ID on him yet?" Buchanan asked through his earpiece.

One of the agents holding Josh on the floor looked up and said, "It's either Kim Bauer or Josh Bauer, I can't tell." Josh stopped sobbing for a moment to roll his eyes.

"_Josh Bauer,_" Doyle quietly repeated. "JOSH BAUER?!" He then lunged forward and grabbed several random pieces of furniture before finding Josh and taking him into a chokehold. "HIMBERLY YOU LITTLE SNIVELING. _LITERAL_ SON OF A BITCH, I LOST MY _SIGHT _BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!"

"What?!" Josh choked out, "What did _I _do??"

"If not for having to listen to your FREAKING emo SHIT during that mission I would have been on my game and _KNOWN_ better than to open that damn box and actually EXPECT the component!!! DAMN YOU!!!! Now I'll never be able to gaze upon the earth-shattering beauty and unbearable hotness that IS Nadia Yassir AGAIN!!! DAMN YOU!!!" Doyle exclaimed, now sobbing.

Chase then burst through the door and flung himself at Doyle, screaming, "GET AWAY FROM MY DARLIN'!!!!" before tackling him to the floor. The rest of the team stood and watched as the pair beat the life out of each other before collectively shrugging and marching Josh out of the office.

"But I SWEAR I didn't do it! My evil mastermind girlfriend set me up!!" Josh blubbered to no avail as they walked him down the hallway to an elevator. "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?? It's not FAIR!! God, I feel so EMO right now!!!!"

Meanwhile, having watched the ordeal unfold from the waiting room where he had been sitting for the last half hour, Behrooz Araz stood up slowly and peered inside the office, calling, "Dr. Jones?" When he received no answer, he stepped inside of the office and stepped over Chase and Doyle, who were still beating the crap out of one another, and looked nervously around the empty room until noticing the open window and curtains rustling in the wind.

"Dr. Jones," he called again, this time with a trembling voice as he approached the window, swallowing hard before looking through it.

"Get away, Behrooz!" Dr. Jones demanded from the outside ledge she was standing on,

"DR. JONES!!!" he squealed, eyes bugging out of their sockets. "What are you DOING??"

"Making sure I never have to listen to you FREAKING EMO WHINY **BITCHES** ever AGAIN," she exclaimed, insane smile on her face.

"But who will I talk to about DEBBIE and my crushing, overwhelming, paralyzing GUILT?" he asked, at which point Dr. Jones laughed psychotically and threw herself off the ledge.

"BUT WHAT ABOUT DEBBIIIIIEEEEE????" he wailed in horror as she fell 20 stories through the air.

Meanwhile, still sobbing incoherently was Josh, who was being led to one of CTU tactical vehicles when he heard the distinct sound of the words "FREE AT LAST!!!!" being screamed directly above him. He turned to look up and immediately found himself flat on the concrete, having broken the fall of Dr. Jones.

Agents stood by and watched as the doctor and client squirmed. Eventually Dr. Jones raised her head and looked around, muttering defeatedly, "Damn."

"Hey," Josh choked under the pressure of her weight, "if I ever get out of this, would you be interested in pulling a Barry sometime?"

She slowly rose to her knees, then to her feet, straightening her clothes before muttering, "You need professional help, kid."

As Dr. Jones headed back towards the building, a bleeding and bruised Chase came flying out the front door, an audible groan coming from the agents as he screamed, "DARLIN'!!!!!! I'M COMING TO GET YOU, DARLIN'! I PROMISE I'LL BREAK YOU OUT!! THEN WE'LL RUN AWAY AND GET A HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY WITH PIGS AND COWS AND MONGEESE AND BARN OWLS AND..."


End file.
